one moment at time...

It's hard to believe that 2 days ago, I could barely walk to my office ...barely eat...barely talk...and now this morning...almost a new person...still feeling slightly nauseated...but so much better...it's very strange...if you would have told me 2 days ago that I could work today ...I would have tried to laugh...most likely I would have cried...and now...waking up feeling happy that I can work... My clients/students have been so supportive and flexible...It wouldn't be possible to go through this with out this cooperative effort!

I'm teaching Blend on Thursday before I go for the small chemo...let me know if you're coming...the side bar of this Blog will always show an updated schedule...I will be back to a regular schedule next week...

My friend Barbara had surgery last week (11 hours) and is now home recovering from yet another medical tale...soon to be shared in her long awaited book about a view of life that we would all pay any amount for just to get a small glimpse into this incredible world of Barbara.

As we recover together...we are both having the same experience of yes... it's true...we are better women...better human beings from our experiences....yes...even the experience of having cancer...does it suck to have cancer? Of course it does...but then ...what are you going to do with it?

I have learned so much from all of you ...I have learned so much from my experiences with the medical world...I have learned so much from the strangers that come into my life ...I have learned so much from the pain and discomfort ...I have learned so much from the little markers that become my myopic view of the world until they happen...

• ....pooping ....we come into the world excited about pooping and we continue to be directed by the fact that we will have a good day or a not so good day depending on did we poop or not? was it a good poop or a just ok poop...if we don't poop...our day is consumed with ..." I hope I poop soon" ...until we poop...you know you're in trouble when you start making deals with the poop gods ...I promise to ....if you just let me poop...
• ...not feeling nauseated...the moment I don't feel nauseated is a celebration!!!
  
• ...walking from one end of the house to the other without crying
• ...walking to my computer and actually doing office work without feeling like putting my flag in the ground as if I had hiked to the top of Mount Everest
• ...when I can actually get excited about eating something other than dry sprouted toast
  
• ...when I can have a real conversation in person or on the phone without feeling like I'm going to fold into a ball with a throw up bucket under my chin
• ...when I can look at myself naked in the mirror without screaming....who is that?
  
• ...when I can sit up and meditate
  
• ...when I can read
• ...when I no longer want to watch mindless television...but oh so grateful for 5 days every 3 weeks
  
• ...when I can actually say what I mean...ok...so not much has changed in this area...hee he
• this list continues to grow and change...

Many of you have been very sad that I have been sick...no one wants anyone to suffer....many of you have suggested that the chemo will be better this time or next time...the truth is that each chemo is unique...It may be tolerable ...it may be torture...it may be ok one day and not the next day...the truth is ....living in the moment is the only way I can get through this.... letting go of hoping that this cycle will be better than the next...I have to deal with this one moment at a time...if I'm sick...I'm sick...I don't have any time or energy for hoping for better than before...I have to accept what is given to me in the moment...even if ...especially if it sucks big time and I can barely hold on...it's really ok...it's what has been given to me and I'm strong enough to deal with what ever comes my way...even when my view is the bottom of a soup pot....even when I'm crying from the nausea ....even when I can barely talk....even when I can't remember what it's like to do yoga asana...even when I miss all of you so much ....even when I'm scared I could die of this...even when I'm happy ....even when I'm sad...even when I'm psychotic ...even when.... no one wants to see anyone feel sick...we feel helpless...so we compassionately hope that those we love ... won't have to suffer...but hoping doesn't change anything...accepting what is changes our perception of the suffering...it's ok to feel bad...it's ok to feel uncomfortable ....it's ok ...

I love you all for your love...

This writing was shared with me by Robin Kilrain from the internet site " Daily Om"

Healing with Hurt
Using Your Pain To Help Others

Pain is a fact of being and one that permeates all of our lives to some degree. Since the hurt we feel may be a part of the experiences that have touched us most deeply, we are often loathe to let it go. It is frequently easier to keep our pain at our sides, where it acts as a shield that shelters us from others and gives us an identity that of victim from which we can draw bitter strength. However, pain's universality can also empower us to use our hurt to help others heal. Since no pain is any greater or more profound than any other, what you feel can give you the ability to help bring about the recovery of individuals whose hurts are both similar to and vastly different from your own. You can channel your pain into transformative and healing love that aids you in helping individuals on a one-to-one basis and spreading a tide of curative energy throughout the world.

The capacity to heal others evolves naturally within those who are ready to disassociate themselves from their identity as victims. In fact, the simple decision to put aside the pain we have carried is what grants us the strength to redeem that pain through service. There are many ways to use the hurt you feel to help others. Your pain gives you a unique insight into the minds of people who have experienced trauma and heartache. You can draw from the wellspring of strength that allowed you to emerge on the other side of a painful experience and pass that strength to individuals still suffering from their wounds. You may be able to council individuals in need by showing them the coping methods that have helped you survive or simply by offering sympathy. A kinship can develop that allows you to relate more closely with those you are trying to aid and comfort.

Helping others can be a restorative experience that makes your own heart grow stronger. In channeling your pain into compassionate service and watching others successfully recover, you may feel a sense of euphoria that leads to increased feelings of self-worth and optimism. Your courageous decision to reach out to others can be the best way to declare to yourself and the world that your pain didn't defeat you, and in fact it helped you heal.

Have a beautiful day,

Summer