Tuesday, August 31, 2010

my son and I on Easter Sunday

This was a spontaneous inspired gift from my friend Barbara and although I was resistant to shooting that day...moments before I had to get ready to make decisions about my treatment plan...I am forever grateful for having these moments caputured...

This is my son and I love him more than I'll ever be able to express...I feel his heart and love and I feel his incredible potential to participate in this world ...this crazy mixed up world for so many young adults trying to find their way!!!

I love you Shea...thank you for giving me you!!!!

Sunday, August 29, 2010

day at a time

I wish that family photo was super recent...even though a few months ago or more...I haven't been out and about for weeks...hopefully that will change soon...I am 1/2 that size in the photo...still working on the calories...still doing well with eating...small amounts at a time...

What a beautiful day!!!

Grateful to everyone,
Summer

Saturday, August 28, 2010

recent family gathering in San Diego

My husband Jim...My nephew Liam ..my niece Nikki...My nephew Brian and my son Shea...

nausea

I had a an off an on day yesterday....nauseated much of the day...not too bad...rested most of the day...

the soup I made must be too strong as I don't think I'll be eating any more of it in that way...

I'm going to have a cup of tea and start my day with much happiness!

Friday, August 27, 2010

too much food

I ate only a small amount of my soup and my belly couldn't handle it...I was not feeling so good for the night...I have to be so careful...good intentions...small spoonfuls at a time throughout the day...I feel like I've had my stomach stapled...I'll keep experimenting...

I feel pretty good for having chemo...this chemo is the mildest chemo on all levels that I've ever had...once the biopsy info comes in ...I may have to switch to something more toxic...for now....it's all good...

Thanks again for all of the love and generous donations ...I just paid my bills for one more month...WHEW...

Have a beautiful day!!!

Thursday, August 26, 2010

chemo today...

I just got home from having chemo...my blood work looks good..ca-125 will be done next week and a dr's appt as I take one week off of chemo...

I even went to Jimbos and had the energy to shop...I picked up items for a winter soup...for Summer in summer

I have made my soup...it's awesome

Organic Veggie broth low salt
Blended garbanzo beans ( great protein)
avacado
almond butter
red kale
spinach
yams


Can't wait to have it...I blended 1/2 of it in a blender and then poured it back in so everything will be very soft and easy to eat...normally I would want more raw food but I have to do a combination for now...I'm so excited to eat it

I have lost so much weight...the lowest I have ever been other than maybe a little girl...I'm really trying to get the calories in...wish me luck....

Wednesday, August 25, 2010

a better day today

I went and got blood work this morning...mask and all...depressed immune system so I have to be extra careful...I had more and more energy as the day progressed...I cleaned out my closet and have cleared out a few bags of stuff to go...felt so good to be productive...put laundry away...and now back to rest again...so grateful to feel a little better...I have chemo tomorrow....and then one week off from chemo...maybe I'll feel better and better...I'm anemic so that's a bit rough...but all in all...feeling steady...another friend of mine transitioned a few weeks ago...a friend I met at HOPE 4 CANCER ...his name was Sam...from Atlanta...he was a wonderful man...I talked with his wife for a few hours yesterday...so much love we all shared in Mexico...a very special time...Sam is in my heart and fueling me with life force energy as I rise up for all who have gone to lift me up even more...their spirits will forever be with me..Thank you Sam for allowing me to witness your courage and your love ...the special bond that we shared however brief will stay with me and give me the courage to keep going!!!

Several friends have brought wonderful food and goodies...thank you so much!! A little bit of food at a time and so far it's working!!!!!

Sending love to all...there have been recent donations that have allowed me to pay some bills this month...so grateful for the generosity...

Thank you!

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Desiderata

 Thank you Sherry for sharing this with me...it's been a long while since I've read it


Desiderata
By Max Ehrmann

                      
Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

feeling a little better

Each day I've been home from the hospital and ER...I have been feeling better ...the intensity of the pain has shifted to only occasionally...WHEW...I'm extremely sensitive in my belly area...not sure as to what is REALLY causing that but it feels like tight scar tissue from deep inside to superficial...it pulls and makes it hard for me to arch my body back...even slightly...the fluid has completely drained away and now my real body has shown to be thinner than I ever remember...with the liquid diet...it's hard to get enough calories...If I can just stabilize my weight I would be ok...with my allergies and digestive challenges and the risk of bowel obstruction surgery ...I have to be sooooooooooo careful...

I'm allowing soft foods that already have a puree feel to them...papayas...bananas...fruits without skins that are really soft inside...sometimes I can eat and other times I blend with other things...

smoothies are a combination of almond milk...almond butter...different fruits but usually banana and blueberries...I was thinking of adding some coconut frozen vanilla to the smoothies to get good fats and calories ...and I add from the Warrior Food Brand..Raw brown rice protein powder...I take spoonfuls...over several hours until I eat it all...

I have also heated a yam and then took the insides and blended with carton soups like butternut squash and or vegetable broth and blend that with avacado or /and I eat a soft 1/2 avacado plain every other day...

last night Jim brought home Salmon soup from Jimbos and the salmon was so soft that I experimented with a few bites of the soft salmon and that may be why I feel better today...I was so happy to see that it stayed down... I think I could try a bit more of that...

I'm really thin right now and really need ideas for calories and still observe the cautions that are challenging me right now...

I really shouldn't have any spices right now...I know the boxed soups have some in them so I have to be careful with that...

Reminder: My allergies are to SOY...DAIRY...EGGS...WHEAT...GLUTEN....no meat other than the little fish I can get in...

I usually eat only organic unless it doesn't matter for safety...if anyone has any ideas as to how I can eat more calories with small portions...let me know...even the veggie juices from Fountain of Youth have been too strong..maybe by belly is less tender now and I can go back to that...I still have to add calories to that ...

I need greens now and the idea of steaming some bitter greens and then blending them or eating them soft sounds delicious to me...

Olive oil seems to work...I also need seeds...pumpkin seed butter ...sunflower seed butter ...raw and organic ..I could add this to fruit and veggie smoothies...

ALL food has to be cleaned very well...to eat any raw right now on this chemo is risky...but I need the nutrition...

Love to you all of you...I'm better in the smallest of ways but comparing it to the last month of intense pain...it feels huge to me...

Sunday, August 22, 2010

GERMS

Now that I'm back on chemo...I have to be extra cautious about germs...the chemo I'm on effects the white and red blood counts and any exposure to bacteria can cause me serious problems...My doctors and nurses have asked me to remind all to:

  • WASH hands every time to come to see me..

  • Do NOT visit if you have been recently exposed to anyone sick or you have even the slightest symptoms of anything

  • If you prepare food for me....WASH food thoroughly and be very cautious about cleanliness

Right now I'm on Liquid nutrition only...many have asked what they can bring me:

ALL ORGANIC when possible especially thin skinned foods

  • papayas
  • yams ( I can cook and make into a puree)
  • avocados (someone just offered to bring me a bag)
  • organic almond milk
  • gift card to Fountain of Youth Juice in Encinitas...they have a card on file for me
  • carton of organic vegetable juice ( prefer fountain of youth vegetable juice fresh when possible)
  • pears
  • apples
  • blueberries ( frozen from Trader Joes is good too)
  • Bananas
  • RAW organic almond butter( very expensive) maybe several of you could go in on one jar 
                  ( a friend is making me fresh almond butter today)
  • Raw organic pumpkin butter/ small jar
  • Raw organic sunflower butter/small jar
  • RAW sprouted Brown Rice protein by a company called Warrior
                         one small jar of plain and one small jar of vanilla
  • Honey ( the healthiest possible)
  • bitter greens to make a smoothie( dandelion greens, Swiss chard/kale/spinach...I'm thinking I should cook first to make safe from bacteria and then make a soup puree)

follow up...what to say if you think I may be living????

Dear Friends,

My previous post was what to say if you think I may be dying?

This post....what to say if you think I may be living?

The key word here in if you THINK ...not that you KNOW.

What if we celebrate my living right now instead of preparing for my dying??? Can that happen?

A few of you are sending me to the journey of transition...a few of you are more comfortable preparing for my death rather than celebrating each moment of my living.

Illness brings out many fears in all of us! We are not good at it...we want to rush painful things along because we simply can't face it....what if I have several more years to live??? No one knows ....you all could transition before me....

It's wonderful and loving to send love to someone who is dying especially if we know...I know what my situation looks like and this may be true...it may also not be true....

Is it possible that we stay in the moment of what is ...not put our agendas onto what we want something to be or not be...or because this happened to so and so ...this looks like that with you ...so ....this is happening to you too....we are all different...My chemo nurse at the hospital was very clear about this for me...they said I have a strong life force and that although I was and am experiencing many challenges right now...they did not feel death...my own Doctors say the same thing...and yet...my very own friends are placing the death card on my table...

we are all so eager to make the pain go away that we push the sick person along and say ok...it's time now...go ahead and go....if we could push our pain out of the way....then we can feel better until the next thing in life comes up and does the same thing to us...

what if....we can truly learn to stay with what is....what if????

We may all be dancing again soon and celebrating many more years to come and then again...we may not be...either way we stay in the moment of what is...

I love you ...I love my friends who are scared and who are not dealing with this well....I  love you and I can only encourage you to stay with me in present time...I have made all of these mistakes but they don't help anyone...I have learned that....it's not easy but it's possible that we can change ....we can do better ...we can work on ourselves so we arrive stronger and truly more loving...we can change our weaknesses into strengths and arrive for all beings more loving and compassionate....we all can do this...

Make plans for living and surrender to when our time is for us to transition...that is all any of us can do...I'm scared a lot and then I'm ok again....I ask myself is this it? Is this the transition time for me? And I don't get an answer...from anyone....except my friends in fear...The psychics who have been called ...say they don't know....most of them see my life force strong and vibrant...so what do we do???

We lovingly stay in the moment...comfortable with uncertainty...it's ok that we don't know...it's ok that life sucks sometimes...its' ok that we may die or we may live....it's ok that we feel pain....it's ok...all of it teaches us to love and be present more deeply!!! Please be here with me...let's celebrate each moment...

Love to you

Saturday, August 21, 2010

what to say when you think I may be dying??

I have been listening and watching what has happened around me to me and to others the last month of the most recent challenges and it is very clear to me that many of you...including myself...are uncertain as to what to say...what to ask??? what truths are useful to share and what truths might be left to the mysteries of life???

My friend Mary just passed...several of us thought she was going at any moment months ago...I prepared numerous times...the same thing happened with my other friends who have passed...I think the living begins to prepare for the loved one dying so the shock and the pain isn't so difficult...I understand that as I've done this myself...all I know is that I was very wrong about my intuition...my predictions and even my need to prepare so I could handle it...not spending all of that time and energy just being with the person with love and in the moment by moment days or years that are left. No matter what anyone says...including the greatest psychics out there....no one knows when it's time for a person to transition. I have had the opportunity to speak with some very gifted psychics and they said a real psychic will admit that they don't really know for sure....and to tell anyone when is cruel and dangerous!!!!!

I also think it's human nature to talk about these things behind the back of the person who may be dying....do you think????do you know???have you been told???when????how are you holding up? how is she/he? I've done all of these things...said all of these things....while it's human nature to do this ....it didn't help and it didn't make a difference because we were all wrong...Mary and my other friends and countless others ....passed...transitioned when it was time...when it was their time not my time...
...so what do we say and what do we do???? I guess we just keep doing the best we can with a deep commitement to trust and love and to hold that person up to the highest level and to not help that person transition simply because we are preparing for it...symptoms that another had and died doesn't mean the same symptoms that I have mean I'm dying right away. Desikachar taught me years ago in my yoga training..." Speak the truth that is useful" We don't have to blast people with the truth simply because it's the truth...we don't have to lie either...it's a tough balance...just think about what is the truth that is useful...where is that truth coming from??? Is it entertaining our own agenda or the person we are showing love to with that truth?

I know what this looks like...I know what I feel like...the uncertainty ...Pema and many others have taught us that it is possible to become comfortable with uncertainty but most of us won't spend one moment even thinking that is possible...I'm challenged by this daily ...hourly...will this bite of food cause severe stomach cramps? will this bite of food be the bowel obstruction line to have surgery? does this symptom mean I have only a short time? I ask all of these questions...my own doctors have thought that patients had only a few weeks to live and they are still here...what do we say about that??? My own dr...said there is no way to know...

I do know that I will transition one day...it may be very soon...it may be years from now...I don't know....sometimes I'm very scared and the deep attachements I have to this life cause me to cling and hold on tighter..other times I feel relaxed and accepting about whatever comes...

so...if it's true that none of us  know for sure....then the only choice we have is to live moment my moment...what you can do for me is to stay in the presence of that moment by moment view and to lift me with your love and strength...instead of predicting my death...be with me as I continue to live...if it looks like I'm passing sooner...it's still the same...moment by moment...

I would also encourage us not to put off ...not to wait to tell someone you love them...you never know when it's your time...their time...my time..

If you look at me like I'm dying...it's not helpful for me...it's an interesting time...some friends who fell away in my life have returned with even more love and other friends have disappeared because they can't handle what is happening to me...I guess fear is a powerful sword...a sword that can pierce the hearts of people we love...I hope all of us in our own lives with our own challenges will find the sword of strength and honor and love....not the weakness that shows and takes over simply because we are afraid....we have to be better than that....we must be better than that!

The challenges for me keep coming...health...financial...emotional...just when I think it's a pause....it's all up in my face again...I have choices...I have to stay in the moment...I watch facial expressions....I hear comments...I know what is said behind my back...I know it's all ok...just check in with your intentions....is your behavior for you to feel better as I go through these challenges or is your behavior a reflection of the greater good? I have to live as if my experiences are for the greater good...for all the beings out there whom are suffering far greater than my own...breathing in the darkness and the pain for all beings including myself....breathing out light and freedom from all suffering....may we all be able to find this place of comfort ....comfortable with uncertainty...thank you again Pema for your wisdom.

I'm grateful for these current set of challenges...we all will learn so much! Please use your love and curiosity to dialogue about the wonders of life....about your fears and your weaknesses...talk and share and ultimately find your way back to me with the ability to lift me and yourself for this is not easy for any of us! I never wanted to lose my friends....they are with me more now than when they were alive...this knowing brings me comfort....the pain and the fear that I could transition is not easy for any of you...for us...for our special relationships and sharing feel like they just got started...it's ok to talk about all of these things....just find your way back with love...

Thank you for being a part of this experience called life with me...many of us have known each other for over 25 years or more...we all have something unique and special to lose and to gain with the challenges we face....

With my deepest love for you,
Summer

Friday, August 20, 2010

completed second chemo

Wednesday I came home from the hospital...Thursday about 4am...went to ER due to severe pain and vomiting...came home...Friday...went to chemo...I'm seconds away from having a bowel obstruction surgery...the  stool part of the obstruction has cleared...all of the laxatives...oils that they gave me last week are cramping me and releasing...the cancer is pressing on the bowel and if the chemo doesn't work fast enough I have to have surgery...I have surges of pain and then it subsides...not sure what will happen...hopefully the chemo will start working and the cancer cells will shrink away from the bowel...I am hanging in there...it's very tough but my will is very strong...I must have been Hitler's girlfriend to have such karma in one lifetime to burn off....I just keep thinking for the greater good...for the greater good...so many beings in pain...I'm not the only one....Love to everyone...Summer

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

going home today

thank you for sending me so much healing...I'm going home today....I still have many symptoms but I can handle them at home...I have chemo again this friday...the edema I have is extreme but will be better soon..I'll be in touch...

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

still in hospital

I'm sure your love and healing wishes have helped me through the pain...I've been off of pain meds for over 24 hours now...thank you for that level of healing ...the current challenge is what is called dependent edema which has accumulated in my hips and have caused some body distortions...I have about 15 lbs of fluid on my body right now...very uncomfortable...my belly is also filling up with fluid again...the procedure to remove the fluid is what has been causing me the severe pain....to have that procedure so soon would be very difficult...this whole thing has caused my bowels not to work so I also need help with sending me releasing energy from my body...fluid accumulation and sluggish bowels...if I could get through this part I would now feel ok...I don't think I have had many side effects from the chemo yet...it takes about 11 days to feel some of them...I have also felt very emotional and sometimes I just cry...this doesn't take away from my will to live or my strength...I don't feel death...quite opposite..so my life force is good...this blip has been very challenging...similar to the more serious surgeries in the past...it has me and my doctors somewhat baffled and what most people don't feel from procedures I feel intensely with strong reactions after for several days...I hope to go home tomorrow and continue to deal with these symptoms at home...maybe the movement at home will help things move along...my next chemo is this Friday and again after that...I miss my work..my friends and my rhythm ...I know we don't always get to have what we want...I only want simple things...I want the energy and the health to continue to offer to others...I know I'm supposed to be here ...to teach ..to share love and compassion with others....I welcome your love and support and I welcome emails as they help me feel connected....I'm breathing in the moments that I find myself in...I feel the energy of your love and support and I want you to know how much it lifts me...please continue...since experiencing darkness is also part of the balance of feeling the light...it helps me know that my body is trying to find that balance. Much love to everyone...

Sunday, August 15, 2010

still in hospital

I can barely write on my computer...I don't feel well...I do feel better than yesterday...I have a ways to go...my bowels aren't responding well and I have intense pain...I can't email too much individually due to my pain...I have more tests tomorrow...I'll share more as I can...feel free to email me..Love to you...please send me love and healing...I have intense pain

Saturday, August 14, 2010

been in the hospital since Wednesday

Wednesday afternoon I was on my way to get chemo and when I arrived it was apparent to everyone that I was not ok...I was admitted to Scripps La Jolla Memorial...I've had many tests done while I'm here...I've also had many more challenges...not sure what to think about it all...I was supposed to come home today but my pain has increased and I have a fever. Yesterday I also started chemo in my hospital room...I feel ok from that first dose...we are trying to get this pain under control...I don't know when I'm coming home...Love to you...

Wednesday, August 11, 2010

first day of chemo

first day of chemo today...will be in touch...much love to everyone...

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

chemo starts tomorrow

...starting chemo tomorrow at 1pm...it will be the first start while waiting for the results of the biopsy...I feel like I have been in 2 different car accidents...the first one from the fluid and fluid removal and now with the biopsy yesterday....I wasn't supposed to feel pain but I do....I have been in pain non stop for over 2 weeks....learning to breathe again within the pain...it's a weird feeling to be starting chemo again...this whole thing is so surreal ...the first time that I haven't had the feeling of grasping going into a cycle of treatment...staying in the moment for sure....I only have that...as i know more...I'll share more...I don't know what to ask for yet...I need to get a sense of the new rhythm of chemo and this pain ...then I'll know if I can work...when I can work or connect with others...right now...still cocooned off in a parallel universe..one where I can be well and pain free....

Monday, August 9, 2010

biopsy today

I won't be teaching this week either...

I have a biopsy this morning to determine the right chemo match...The Dr. in Mexico is also recommending chemo at this time...

Most likely starting chemo this week ...

I'll be in touch to share what I know as I know more...thank you for giving me the space I have needed to make difficult decisions...

Sunday, August 8, 2010

update

I won't be teaching this coming week...

I don't feel well enough to teach as I'm still in a lot of pain...I'm still making some serious decisions about my treatment protocol and perhaps more tests to help make that decision this coming week.

My friend Mary transitioned last Monday and her memorial is Tuesday...I want so much to feel well enough to be there...

PET scan  and blood work shows significant growth ...I talked to Dr. Bahador and to DR. Tony from Mexico and it looks like we are all on the same page ...I'll make a decision later today...

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

back home

I didn't have the procedure today...it is high risk and the only purpose of the biopsy is for testing compatibility for chemo...I haven't decided to do chemo yet...I have to talk to the dr's in Mexico after they review my recent tests...and I have to talk to dr. Bahador tomorrow to discuss all options...the radiologist also feels that it is too risky to do this procedure without a really good reason...they were happy I didn't do it when I said NO...I'll know after tomorrow and then I can make a more reasonable decision...I need to discuss the PET scan and the blood results in detail...I'm going to rest now...I'm still feeling pain...I don't really know why...it could be the tumors ...it could be the procedure from yesterday...it could be many things...for now...I'll rest and wait for my appt. tomorrow and I'll know more...much love to everyone...I feel your support...

more news ...more tests

I had the fluid drained yesterday and they took 3 1/2 liters from me...AMAZING!!!! I now know why I was sooooooooooooooo uncomfortable...the procedure isn't supposed to be painful but it turned out to be painful for me so next time I need fluid drained...they are going to give me pain meds during and after...I then experienced spasms from the pressure of the fluid being released...I had to take pain meds and it helped...I received a liter of fluids last night and then came home...I'm fasting again for a CT guided biopsy test for today...they are looking to take out fluid from one of the tumors and send it off for compatibility testing for the right chemo match should I decide to go back on chemo. I have a meeting with my Doctor on Thursday to discuss all options...what will give me the longest life with the least amount of side effects and possible complications...I"m open to look at many ideas....and also if I do nothing...what are the side effects that I should expect? This is a week full of testing and information....I'll know more soon! Have a beautiful day...

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

update

Things are progressing in a direction that I didn't want...the PET scan shows the cancer has spread everywhere in my abdomen...not sure of the details ...it was a quick read...I'm on my way to get fluid drained from my abdomen and then more fluids put in to avoid dehydration. I don't feel well at all...I can't function much...at least I was able to stay out of the ER...I'll do my best to stay in touch...love Summer

Sunday, August 1, 2010

no classes this week

I haven't contacted anyone yet but I wanted to let you know that I'm not going to teach any classes this week. I'll be sending out emails.

My symptoms are intense and I'll be getting testing done this week...I'll keep you posted as I know more...I'm very lucky that I'm not in the hospital ...I've been told numerous times to go to the ER but I don't want to ...I will if I have to ...but so far ...I'm dealing with my symptoms...I want to be in a peaceful environment...

Love to you...

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