Dear Friends,

I woke up this morning feeling a bit stronger ...YEAH!!! And I was finally able to go to the bathroom just a little bit but you would think I had my first POOP ever...how we come to appreciate such interesting things...we get praised for using the potty when we are little and now it cycles again ....very funny ...the medicine and the surgery stops the body from even wanting to go...I'm so happy and excited that I had that great marker since surgery.

I'm still feeling a significant amount of pain. I stopped the pain meds yesterday...I need a chance to let me own body just feel where it is and what it needs to do...especially getting ready for chemo which was supposed to have been this Friday...but will most likely start next Thursday...due to getting me a little stronger from the surgery...the IP (belly) chemo is going to be rough and the side effects can last up to seven days...so once per month will be this possible outcome and the other 2 chemos...not so bad...once per month belly and twice per month IV and one week off...it's possible that I will eventually be able to work 3 weeks per month on select days depending on the rythym of the side effects...but the one week from the IP will not be doable..again... I will only be able to work in the environments who will honor no one showing up sick or even slightly sick...

I've been using a lot of Qigong ...focusing on healing in the way that really helps me go beyond where I am at this moment and allow myself to truly visualize healing. Yesterday, I spent 3 straight hours focusing and it made a huge difference. It's so easy to be pulled into the energy of this experience and become afraid...it only makes me weak...when I feel the dark pull of energy...I allow myself to feel it and not to be afraid of the pain or the weakness...emotional and physical weakness...and then I know the other side of that...it's a place of calm ... peace and love...I'm still in pain ...but I don't feel weak or fearful...I go beyond that and just allow what is happening to me to be ok. It's not always easy...

In fact....we are not supported in allowing pain to happen to us...we are not supported to allow depression and fear to visit us on occasion...we are not even allowed to have a bad day without someone offering us medication to soothe our pain...to mask our fears ...to pretend that what we feel is not what we feel...or to say it's really ok to feel bad sometimes...to feel afraid sometimes...to be sad and angry sometimes...we medicate so we only let ourselves feel happiness...at least we're tricked into thinking we're happy...until it's time for the next fix. We are taught that Pleasant ville is the place to buy real estate and we'll do just about anything to make sure our home in Pleasant ville is the best house ever!!!

Until...
We realize we're living in a fake world...just to make it look good...we continue to medicate ourselves...until it just doesn't work anymore....and then with enough insight ...we begin to study ...to experience life from that place of exposure rather than hiding...and we find that we can make discomfort our friend...just as much as we grasp onto the idea that we should all be happy because happy things happen to us...but what if unhappy things happen to us....can we still be happy? I never thought I could...I was the little girl growing up who believed that If bad things happened to me...I was doing something bad to cause it...I was taught that if I was a good girl...good things would happen to me...When I realized that this not only wasn't true...but it was such a HUGE misunderstanding that many of us have been taught...It took deep profound pain and suffering to acknowledge life in a different way. Now I can say ...I'm happier that I've ever been in my life and it took many terrifying experiences to bring me to this place!

The last 4 times I've been in the hospital...I've been treated like a patient with deep and possibly even annoying anxiety...this diagnosis of anxiety came from the response from medication from being overdosed to the point that death could have come quickly from serious hospital mistakes...when my body and my mind reacted from the fear of all of it...I was treated like a psychotic patient instead of a woman who had just had ovarian cancer surgery and was close to death from an overdose...the second time( the overdose)...it was caught early...the third time it was caught early and yet...even after they realized the mistakes...I was still labeled. So... no matter what I needed or how I said anything...I was offered meds for my mind...not my body.

This last most recent time...I had a similar experience...checking into the hospital was fantastic ...every person ...every moment was fantastic...I felt this support and strength from everyone...of course DR. Bahador rocks and is the most wonderful human being not to mention ....great DR. The operating room prior to surgery was like a spa experience!

And then...

In the recovery area from surgery...things started to go wrong...I woke up in screaming pain...they say I said to only give me 1/2 the amount of diladen (sp?) since I'm super sensitive to meds( which is a good thing that I was able to articulate the information)...it took forever to get the pain medication and all I could remember was this insane pain...who knows how long it really was ...a minute ...an hour? It felt like it lasted forever...I felt trapped in my body...as if I were yelling for someone to help me and no one was coming...very eerie...

...then I remember this awesome young man taking me to my room...I was out of it but in it at the same time...he was so kind and loving and caring...I really should find out his name...my friends were in the room waiting for me and cheering me on...I wasn't really sure what they were going to tell me...I was trying to examine their faces for fear and " oh my Buddha...we're going to have to tell Summer this" but I couldn't get a read....they were very good at keeping the mystery alive...after they told me the good news...as you already know...the good news is relative to the worst news possible...all of the sudden I was grateful to have what I have...isn't that interesting?

And then...

One of my friends saw an open syringe with diladen in it ...on the bed...anyone could have sat on it...they could have given me medicine from a dirty needle...and so on...my friends reported it and it was accidentally blamed on my nurse on the surgery floor...she didn't do it...it was left by the nurse from the OR recovery...another example of the medical staff being overworked and possibly sleep deprived...this is what I noticed before with other hospital experiences... the nurses Kristina and Anne were first shift and were awesome and caring and loving and never once made me feel weird about anything...they saw my trembling and shaking and told me that it's common to shake after narcotics and I would be ok...I responded with " Yes I know...it happens to me every time". The next shift was a nurse...I won't mention her name...she was alone on her shift because other nurses had called in sick...she was also caring and loving and seemed to be on top of things...but when she saw my shaking..it frightened her..she kept telling me to try to relax...when I said I was experiencing pain in my thigh...she said it could be a blood clot and proceeded to tell me I could throw a clot and possibly die or have a stroke and described in detail what she has seen happen to others...she said she was worried that Dr. Bahador hadn't been in yet and she was going to call him to find out not only why I was shaking so much but if I had a blood clot and what to do and why was my face so red??? Up until then ...she labeled me as someone who was having anxiety from the shaking...after she told me about the blood clots...she was right...yet...I still wasn't interested in Zanex or any other mind altering drug...the reason for the shaking was because of the drugs...so let's take another drug to offset the first drugs...so ...here we go again...let's label the patient ...let's medicate the patient...let's help the patient to not feel afraid of having cancer...of having a potential blood clot...for having feelings that are not ok for the Dr's and the nurses...so they can feel better about what their doing...what a F'ING MESS!!! Tell me if there isn't something wrong with this?????

I love my Dr. but he is caught up in this world of overworked and sleep deprivation...I have only compassion and love for him...he can only respond to what he is being told to him...he is only trying to help me from a heart place...

I'm sure the nurses are also doing their best...but the outcome is not healthy...not life affirming...it's draining and it plays mind games with people...you start believing that crap and all that happened were real honest feelings that are appropriate feelings ...and so what if their not???? What if someone just loses it for a short time...do we medicate them? I see this happen to my friends all of the time in their own unique situations...we have to do better...we MUST DO BETTER!

We must teach people to treat us better! We can do this compassionately...kindly...but we must help people to understand...

It's ok to feel the dark...if not ...we wouldn't see it's opposite...we must not be tricked into thinking that the dark is a bad place...it's no different than the light...it's like expanding and contracting energy ....it's all part of nature...we need both to survive...

I start chemo next week sometime and I will visualize as I did before...an elixir of a magic potion given to me and prepared for me by the most talented and gifted alchemist...this potion will enter my body with healing power. I have released this cancer...I no longer need it for my path...I am thankful for all experiences that I can learn and grow from...as...I continue to release this from my body...please visualize this same thing ... for me and for you! Fear can't fit into this visualization...only love...only strength...when I start feeling weak...allow me to experience the pain...allow yourself to feel it and then lets move on..... to the other side...

I already miss you all so much...I can't wait to share yoga with you...I can't wait to share sessions with you ...I can't wait to continue my work in that setting...I can share with you in a different way until that happens...still an important experience!

Since chemo is delayed...it's quite possible that I will work Wednesday on until next Wednesday...perhaps I can see you all one more time until treatment reveals a doable rotation...

Just keep feeling the love!

Namaste,
Summer

Dear Friends,

My husband tried to blog but couldn't get on to my computer...

I'm at home now...

The surgery went text book as Dr. Bahador described it...I was given news that while isn't great ..it's not as bad as what I could have been told...

The cancer was found early...he took off two 1cm tumors that were sitting against the liver and colon...there were smaller tumors around the pelvic area that he was able to get and a few more in the peritoneal cavity...he was able to take everything he could see. He assumes there is more cancer spread in very small amounts that will be taken care of through chemo and my magicians.

The tumors were sent off for tissue assay so the chemo can be tweaked as we go. This report will come back in 4-6 weeks.

Next Friday...

I will start chemo in my belly( port in the belly)..IP chemo...intra-peritoneal directly into the site..once per month and the IV chemo will be 3 weeks on and one week off. This chemo cycle will last 6 months with another chemo for a bit longer called suppression therapy. Protocol could change slightly as I respond to the chemo and as I tolerate the side-effects.

It's going to be challenging ...I can do this!!!

I have a lot of resources ...including all of you and your support through being real and yet offering me the HAPPY place...

It's important that even if you're scared that you don't take me into that dooom and gloom place.

We are all facing death...the real fear is sometimes what it takes to stay alive...as I become weak from the chemo...you may be tricked into thinking that I'm dying...don't go there...remind yourself and me that it's the medicine.

This is what happened last time...many people were freaked out by my physcial appearance ...I got so skinny that many thought it was the end for me...

I will accept death when it is truly my time...it's NOT my time now ...be STRONG with me!

Dr. Bahador is optomistic about what he sees...he prepared me for much worse.

I'm home recovering from surgery...it's shocking to me that I was home within 23 hours of the surgery...it's amazing...I'm in some pain and my biggest thrill is getting up to go to the bathroom...a whole new view of heart rate training...I even took a shower this morning on my own...all good signs..

I was encouraged that it will be possible that I will find a rythym with the chemo and my work hours.

This was explained before( in 2006)...but now is just as important...

My immune system will be depressed...it is vital that no one shows up for classes or private training sessions if you think you may be getting sick or are sick ...even mild symptoms...if I can be sure of this...I can perhaps think about safely finding a rythym with work and treatment...I'm very optimistic about this plan. I did it before...I can do it again...

Also...anyone coming to visit or bring food...or while you're handling food that you're not sick...

Thank you for the outpouring of love ...so many of you came to the hospital to support me...others of you supported me just as much from a distance and I felt all of you. LOVE is truly wonderful...how we can love others through our touch...our thoughts...our behavior....it truly is magical and life affirming!

You may email or call anytime..if I don't answer my phone or return your call...just contact me through a text or email and I will do my best...it's most helpful if you can contact Susan Budner for food and driving scheduling...it helps me not to have to be on the phone or email more...sometimes I'm too tired to be able to do that...

I thank you from the places in me that I didn't know existed...I'm always here for you and don't hesitate to talk to me in a normal way...I don't want to talk about Cancer when you're with me unless there is something for me to tell you...or we need to talk about it...I'm not avoiding it either...many of you feel that if you tell me about your life that it's nothing compared to what I'm going through...that is not true for me...it helps me when you're normal...of course it's a sensitive situation ...just let me into your lives the way you always do!

Many faiths...religions...spiritual beliefs...ect...feel that there are no accidents in life. We are given exactly what we need for growth... for deepening our path...random thinkers just think it's all random and is a product of our environment and lifestyle choices.

As before...what caused this cancer? I don't know....my lifestyle is cancer prevention...my diet is cancer prevention...my past...with stress and who knows what environmental toxins I've been exposed to ...may have and probably have played a role..and genetics...it's not easy to understand. I have done everything to keep myself healthy...other than cancer...I'm super healthy...

I don't know exactly what I believe about everything is meant to be...but I do know that my path has been strengthened through these tough experiences...I do know that I have met extrordinary people because of these challenges...I have felt more Love and continue to feel and see more LOVE from these obstacles. So while I can't explain exactly what is the purpose...I know LOVE more deeply and that is incredible. I don't want to have this be true for me...I don't want to be going through this...but I am...so what do I do about it...I use this precious time to teach about the Love that I feel inside...to help each other find our humanity again!

I love you all very much and I thank you for all that you have done for me and what many of you are about ready to do for me. We have to be strong for eachother...

Much love,
Summer

Healing today...prepared for surgery

Dear Friends,

I've prepared the best way I know how for today. Each moment is a new moment and I'm enjoying my life right now!

I will feel you with me ...I already feel you...your wonderful energy...your love...your support on so many levels!

This is from my meditation retreat at the Dathun ...these teachings lift me and prepare me for what ever darkness or lightness comes my way...Love to you all..see you soon!

Summer Food Guidelines

If you are scheduled to bring food, please call Summer
the day before 760.707.7610

Summer is on an organic plant-based diet

Due to allergies ...please use the following guidelines:

No Dairy (no animal milk, cheese, or butter, or any animal products)
No Eggs
No Meat
No Poultry
No Fish
No Onion or Garlic or heavy spices
No Soy or soy product (includes tofu, tempeh, Braggs aminos, tamari, soy sauce)
No Wheat or Gluten products

Suggestions:

ALL ORGANIC ...even spices and oils

Wash food in 3:1 water:vinegar solution before cooking ...if you are delivering groceries, you do not need to pre-wash.

Soups: (Veggie, potato, squash, etc.) Soup base can be water or organic veggie broth
Brown or Red Rice (in soup or alone)
Baked ...Steamed or Roasted Veggies Yams ..broccoli...all veggies are great!
Green Veggies ...bitter greens (kale, dandelion greens, bok choy, spinach, etc.)
Fruits (all varieties)

Alternatives to dairy products:
Almond Milk
Rice Cheese (great brand at Jimbo's and Whole Foods)
Olive Oil in place of butter

Alternatives to Wheat:
sprouted grain breads , rice cakes, brown or red rice

Other options:
Almond butter,pumpkin seed butter, almonds, walnuts, pumpkin seeds

Please feel free to email (budner@cox.net) or call Susan
760.815.1483 cell
760.510.3933 home

If you need to change your day ...please see your list and contact another friend to switch with you.

Thank you for your support and LOVE!

Susan is the food coordinator and also in charge of the driver's schedules ...please contact Susan for food and driving volunteer positions when it becomes needed...

I had a great day today...I worked in my office...I trained clients all day...I worked out this morning and I feel wonderful!!!

I'm getting ready to face whatever comes ...as Pema says..."Lean into it" As I lean into it...I feel so much love and energy and support...thank you...

Surgery is scheduled on Friday March 27 at 3pm..I will arrive at 1pm for lab work..I'll be at Scripps Memorial La Jolla ...some of you have asked to be there...feel free to do what you think is best...I would welcome your love up close or from a distance.

Blend ..this Thursday

I will be teaching Blend this Thursday at the private residence at 9:15 am


If you are enrolled..Please join me...you may contact me at anytime for info

Brain Scan clear

Dear Friends,

My brain scan is clear...whew!!!

I was very reluctant to go through with the surgery..it didn't make sense to me..I had a talk with my Dr. and now we have a plan...at least through the western model.

My instinct is telling me to do a combination of things until something alternative becomes more clear...I'm working from many angles...

My understanding of Qigong and the energy body on so many levels...Chinese herbs and acupuncture...my own method of visualizations ...a diet that addresses any type of dis-ease and now a surgery where we can get tissue samples so the chemo can be directed with more acuraccy...this Friday... or so it seems that surgery will be on Friday if they can get a time in the Operating Room...

...2 ports will be placed...one in my abdomen to administer IP chemo (chemo that enters through the belly and one in my chest as before (for IV chemo) both treatments will be used...to begin soon...

I'm looking into some promising alternative treatments as well...2 inparticular...I'll share more once I know.

The power of prayer and love and Tonglen ( buddhist meditation) are a constant in my life and has pulled me through.

Thank you for your love and support...I look forward to sharing what I learn from this experience.

I will continue to work as much as possible...it's what I love to do ...

Love,
Summer

Please join me at Yoga Vista tonight at 6pm

Dear Friends,

Please join me tonight at Yoga Vista for Yoga at 6pm see website for schedule info
www.theinnerhouse.us

I will have the brain scan this afternoon and will have time to still come to yoga tonight.

I will not be able to teach the Blend class on tuesday March 24 due to a recent loss that happened to the family who owns the private location where we share the class.

I don't know WHEN the next Blend Class will be...after tonight...I don't know WHEN the next Yoga class will be...I will keep you posted as I know more!

Surgery is scheduled for Wednesday night at 5pm although they are trying to move it earlier..

Much love you you all,
Summer

contact info

oops...forgot to include the contact info...

web... www.theinnerhouse.us

email... theinnerhouse@gmail.com

business voice mail... 760-798-1563

personal and business cell ...760-707-7610

Classes postponed at Yoga Swami

Dear Friends,

Classes at Yoga Swami(the yurt) were supposed to start on Tuesday, March 24 at 9:15 am.

Due to the info below(previous blog)...I will continue to teach Blend at the private residence in Encinitas when I'm able...I will be teaching this Tuesday at the private residence...if you are interested in attending this class... please let me know...contact info in the previous blog entry...

I will be bringing the Blend class to Yoga Swami very soon!

Take care,
Summer

recent health news!!!

Dear Friends,

I have recently found out some difficult news regarding my health...

The cancer has come back.

The ca-125 has gone up from 8 to almost 400 in a very short period of time...(not good...second blood test was done).

I have already had 2 CAT scans...an MRI...and a full body PET scan... all which have shown nothing.

After talking to Dr. Bahador about this mysterious situation....he said it could be in the Brain and/or in the Peritoneal cavity (intestinal area).

I have a Brain MRI scheduled on Monday at 2:15 and an exploratory diagnostic laperoscopy on Wednesday or Thursday morning...most likely will start chemo or some type of treatment plan by Friday.

I'm doing fairly well...I have moments of what the ... to a calm, peaceful place...

I will let you know as soon as I know more...I will be able to create a cycle with work as I did before...it just depends on what is really going on with WHERE the cancer is and HOW I treat it and WHAT my symptoms will be.

As before, I have decided to share with you what is going on. Your support in the past is what carried me through difficult times and I know your love and support will continue to lift me!

Due to the type of work that I offer...a trainer...a yoga teacher and so much more...it's very difficult to choose who I should tell and who I should not. It's not possible to not hurt someone by telling one person and not another. It's better for me to just be open.

It may be pre-mature to tell you this before the rest of the tests are completed this week...however...due to the blood work...the need for treatment and more tests is unfolding very quickly. I have had to inform my work environments and to let students know that I may be out for a while or now and then. I fully expect to find a rhythm that will offer me a work schedule while I'm undergoing treatment.

I am taking one step at a time and will stay strong as I learn more. I am happier today than I can remember. I have truly learned to take what I experience on the yoga mat and the meditation cushion and apply it to my daily life... No matter what I'm told, I will use it as an experience to live life more deeply...with love and compassion that goes way beyond just words. I have experienced more life in the past few years because of difficult experiences.

Thank you for your friendship...your support and your love!

I will have my husband update my new blog address with updated news when I'm unable to do it myself...the last blog was put to rest and my new blog was supposed to be a celebration after cancer...I'm still going to embrace that idea!!!

Feel free to communicate with me at any time!

As soon as I have more information....I will let you know my work schedule...until a class is shown to be canceled...just assume I'll be there!

• I will be teaching Yoga at Yoga Vista on Monday night at 6:00 pm
• I will be teaching Blend at the private residence on Tuesday at 9:15 am
• I don't know about Thursday morning and evening classes or Saturday of this week...I'll keep you posted by general emails and or the Blog

Please don't be sad for me...be strong for me as I will always be for you!

I am happy and at peace...I will get through this as I always do...it may be difficult...it may be challenging...but I will get through this.

With deep deep love and appreciation,
Summer

Today is Monday and I teach YOGA at 6 pm tonight at Yoga Vista

Come join me for this mixed level class...the students are wonderful and the environment is inviting with lots of love !

See my website for schedule www.theinnerhouse.us

Greetings,

Wishing you all a wonderful week!!! I have been very busy with work and workshops...I've been studying a lot of yoga and deepening my studies in Buddhism. This has taken all of my time . I need one more day to tend to the other projects...like writing my book...like reading more...ect.

I had a kidney stone episode on Thursday that was so powerfully painful that I thought I was going to pay anyone to knock me out...finally the drugs worked and I had some relief...Kidney pain is something...WOW...so far so good since then...time to get a full body work up...

Much love to all,
Summer