Dear Friends,
This round of side effects are lingering ...just when I think I'm ready to start dancing...I'm back into the dance of virtual reality and that seems to be the way it is for now...
They ( the chemo side effect gods ) told me to expect an increase in toxicity regarding progression of the build up of the chemo after each cycle ( of course I always think " that won't be me...I'll glide through this ..no problem..." the truth is ...this is kicking my ASS...and yet...
I prepared myself for much worse...so...I'm still managing...I'm now officially half way through the original plan of 6 cycles...It appears I'm feeling those 3 cycles more and more...Friday was not so bad and then Saturday I got slammed again with nausea and fatigue...I had scheduled clients in the afternoon and had to cancel ...then...I was so excited that I felt so good this morning that I called one of my clients and had her scheduled to come this afternoon...I just canceled her again...extreme fatigue...
My blood work is showing great results...I won't have the current ca-125 until this next Friday...at which time Dr. Bahador and I will revisit the treatment plan ...the last ca-125 was 43 ...dramatic reduction from 500 the day of surgery this most recent time (not 4 years ago).
The real challenge is to stay connected to my life force ( yishi ) my internal strength meter that allows me to focus on wellness...each time I go to the western model of medicine...I'm pulled more and more into that world that sometimes connects me to fear...to believing in the poison and not the elixir...I have to stay connected to that part of me that knows how to heal...myself and others...
Today ...I'm reconnecting to the part of me that has power ( ji jing) the kind of power that allows a mother to lift up a car because her child is underneath...the kind of power that produces feats that can't be explained! ...the kind of power that science can't explain...when I align myself with this power...I can accomplish anything...healing doesn't mean we won't die...healing allows for peace to be present so I can truly take one moment at a time and let the fear just pass me by.
I do know with every part of me that we have so much power over each other...the way we look at someone and choose to smile with empathy or shudder in disgust when we see something we don't understand...an oozing wound or a mentally challenged stranger....we have power when we give of ourselves without attachment or when we give and our hidden agenda shows up even years later with "now what are you going to do for me...or you owe me"....we have power when we choose to truly step out of our own shit to love and give ....we have power when we choose to be loving and compassionate especially when we're uncomfortable...we have power when we let someone onto the elevator first...especially when the next elevator may take several minutes or more...we have power when we just choose to be kind...
I don't know if I have one day or 50 years or more to live this life I'm in right now...I know none of us know...but if you thought you only had a few days or a few months...how would you behave?
I know I have made many mistakes in my life...some of those mistakes came from my selfish self absorbed thoughts of" I just want to be comfortable therefore....I need to change this and this and this even if I hurt you in the process"...I just needed my way...I have lost deep loving friendships because I was selfish...I'm learning...other mistakes were mindless and innocent or at least that is what I thought... and yet...I don't expect to never make mistakes...but through the past 4 years of this wild cancer experience...I have pushed the fast forward button and I'm witnessing and learning at an excelled rate...I'm very sensitive to what I feel and see and I can't waste one moment not wanting to know how to be kinder than before...
Anyone reading this that may have been the brunt of my selfish ways...please forgive me...I have never intentionally tried to harm or hurt anyone...as Maya Angelou has shared for years..." when we know better ...we do better" ...or at least we have the awareness to choose to do better... to be better ...there are important times in our lives when it's time to move over just enough to find a more balanced and healthy place to live our lives...sometimes certain friendships or work relationships or family dynamics need to be tweaked just a touch to find that balance...love can still find her place in that adjustment...sometimes even more so because we find that peace again...I'm learning how to make those adjustments in every situation...to find that place where I feel supported and loved and where I can love and support others without selfish motives...
I found out on Thursday that several women I shared cancer experiences with have died...it left me feeling many things...wondering if I'm next...wondering why I'm still alive and they aren't...and now wondering how I can use my experiences to share their voices...the many who aren't here who had wonderful things to say about life...and not so wonderful things to say about life...and the process of dying...when you know it's coming...
I want to feel better NOW and yet I know that the therapy that I'm choosing is causing me to feel very sick ( temporarily)...I have to remember that it's not a reflection of my life force ( yishi ) I have to remember to tap into that powerful place inside of me...inside of all of us ( ji jing ) and choose to heal myself...I have to remember that when fear starts to wrap around me pretending to be my favorite blanket ...that I'm not fooled by the presence of sickness or poison or unkind thoughts....I have to remember to connect to that peaceful place inside of me that feels a magic potion running through my body...that I see tumors shrinking and finally gone...I have to remember for me and for you...and we have to remember for each other and all beings...
Loka somastha sukino bhavantu...may all beings be happy and free ...from this fear ...
Even though...I may look sick...I am well
Even though...I may feel sick...I am well
Even though...I may feel fear...I am well
I love you,
Summer
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