acceptance

Please email me or text me as often as possible...especially during the week following the BIG chemo...

I have isolated myself due to how sick I feel and with that comes profound loneliness and yet...I don't feel strong enough for visitors...many of you have not wanted to bother me and yet I continue to reach out to encourage you to reach out to me...I really need it to keep me sane...the drugs are causing much psychological distress and uncertainty and I really need to feel loved and connected...I also need to know I can send you love and support as well...to know what is happening in your lives...not just mine.

Sometimes, I can be cold and distant during the hardest time and I can only say I'm sorry but I can't help it...I'm trying to handle it the best I can...I just don't have the ability to filter and be happy and nice...it's really rough when all of these drugs cause agitation and fear and just incredible sickness...it can make a really kind person feel very mean and distant...

Which is why I stay alone so I don't act out on anyone...I know how difficult it is to want to make conversation with someone who is going through what I'm going through ...it's not comfortable and it's hard to know if you're being pushy or overbearing...through emails/texts it's never too much unless you're asking me to respond...

Please remember...as much as you want my treatment to be easier on me...it's really just very very rough... it's helpful when you lift me up with kind words ...without expecting me to be better ...to really show that you understand that it's what it is and just be there...it's not easy for me or for you watching...

I have to deal with the fact that it's the same or worse every time and I really need to know you're there lifting me and sending love and not hoping that I feel better but to know you're there no matter how I'm feeling...a moment at a time...sometimes I'm better unexpectedly and sometimes I'm worse ...just allow me to be whatever it is without hoping it's different...it makes me feel like I've failed when I'm not want you think I should be...then I retreat into my hole even deeper because I can't tell you what you want to hear...

Most of us do not know what to do and we make innocent mistakes...we slowly learn how to give and receive in the most useful way...I have had many people live and die from this disease and I made many many mistakes...what helped me the most was when the person I was caring for ....was bluntly honest...when I was able to really listen and not take it personally....I was able to not only be a better friend but I actually look back and remember those experiences as incredible and beautiful!

What I'm going through ...what many of you are going through or have experienced already....is real life...we are all faced with the highs and the lows...so we find a way to live the best way we can....cancer is just a symbol of what we all experience day to day...some of us have been given more to handle than others...there are numerous speculations from well meaning people as to why some of us are given more...I'm not for sure..I do know that I will use each moment of all life's experiences to bring me closer to what it means to be an honest loving human being ...to learn to love more...especially when it's uncomfortable....to honestly reach out to others without a hidden agenda...to really learn to just be with whatever it is ...without really trying to fix it or change it...

I have 2 friends right now who are facing very difficult cancer diagnosis...I will always be here and ready to lift them as well...life has never been easy for me and today it's about as tough as it gets...but it's what it is and as much as I want to feel great and do whatever I want to do...I have to accept what is happening to me and to the people I love...

Yesterday in chemo ...I met a woman Joanne ...she was diagnosed 9 years ago with ovarian cancer...went through what I did 3 years ago and was cancer free until this year...it came back...after 9 years..she is now 67.

I asked her how she has handled being told it's back and she told me that she doesn't care....it's what it is ...she beat it before she can beat it again and if it's her time...so be it as well...she said she doesn't pray for the cancer to go away...she prays for acceptance....I learned a valuable tool yesterday....a reminder of what I teach everyday....not so easy to do when we are all medicating our feelings away ...distracting ourselves so we don't really have to listen or feel or really engage ...Cancer....forces you to be in the moment....

I also pray for the acceptance of whatever I'm given...on a good day...we can all do it....on a challenging day...not so easy...that is why we all need each other...to lift the other when it's a weak day ...

Thank you for your support and love...it would be impossible to get through this without you!