Dear Friends,

I woke up this morning feeling a bit stronger ...YEAH!!! And I was finally able to go to the bathroom just a little bit but you would think I had my first POOP ever...how we come to appreciate such interesting things...we get praised for using the potty when we are little and now it cycles again ....very funny ...the medicine and the surgery stops the body from even wanting to go...I'm so happy and excited that I had that great marker since surgery.

I'm still feeling a significant amount of pain. I stopped the pain meds yesterday...I need a chance to let me own body just feel where it is and what it needs to do...especially getting ready for chemo which was supposed to have been this Friday...but will most likely start next Thursday...due to getting me a little stronger from the surgery...the IP (belly) chemo is going to be rough and the side effects can last up to seven days...so once per month will be this possible outcome and the other 2 chemos...not so bad...once per month belly and twice per month IV and one week off...it's possible that I will eventually be able to work 3 weeks per month on select days depending on the rythym of the side effects...but the one week from the IP will not be doable..again... I will only be able to work in the environments who will honor no one showing up sick or even slightly sick...

I've been using a lot of Qigong ...focusing on healing in the way that really helps me go beyond where I am at this moment and allow myself to truly visualize healing. Yesterday, I spent 3 straight hours focusing and it made a huge difference. It's so easy to be pulled into the energy of this experience and become afraid...it only makes me weak...when I feel the dark pull of energy...I allow myself to feel it and not to be afraid of the pain or the weakness...emotional and physical weakness...and then I know the other side of that...it's a place of calm ... peace and love...I'm still in pain ...but I don't feel weak or fearful...I go beyond that and just allow what is happening to me to be ok. It's not always easy...

In fact....we are not supported in allowing pain to happen to us...we are not supported to allow depression and fear to visit us on occasion...we are not even allowed to have a bad day without someone offering us medication to soothe our pain...to mask our fears ...to pretend that what we feel is not what we feel...or to say it's really ok to feel bad sometimes...to feel afraid sometimes...to be sad and angry sometimes...we medicate so we only let ourselves feel happiness...at least we're tricked into thinking we're happy...until it's time for the next fix. We are taught that Pleasant ville is the place to buy real estate and we'll do just about anything to make sure our home in Pleasant ville is the best house ever!!!

Until...
We realize we're living in a fake world...just to make it look good...we continue to medicate ourselves...until it just doesn't work anymore....and then with enough insight ...we begin to study ...to experience life from that place of exposure rather than hiding...and we find that we can make discomfort our friend...just as much as we grasp onto the idea that we should all be happy because happy things happen to us...but what if unhappy things happen to us....can we still be happy? I never thought I could...I was the little girl growing up who believed that If bad things happened to me...I was doing something bad to cause it...I was taught that if I was a good girl...good things would happen to me...When I realized that this not only wasn't true...but it was such a HUGE misunderstanding that many of us have been taught...It took deep profound pain and suffering to acknowledge life in a different way. Now I can say ...I'm happier that I've ever been in my life and it took many terrifying experiences to bring me to this place!

The last 4 times I've been in the hospital...I've been treated like a patient with deep and possibly even annoying anxiety...this diagnosis of anxiety came from the response from medication from being overdosed to the point that death could have come quickly from serious hospital mistakes...when my body and my mind reacted from the fear of all of it...I was treated like a psychotic patient instead of a woman who had just had ovarian cancer surgery and was close to death from an overdose...the second time( the overdose)...it was caught early...the third time it was caught early and yet...even after they realized the mistakes...I was still labeled. So... no matter what I needed or how I said anything...I was offered meds for my mind...not my body.

This last most recent time...I had a similar experience...checking into the hospital was fantastic ...every person ...every moment was fantastic...I felt this support and strength from everyone...of course DR. Bahador rocks and is the most wonderful human being not to mention ....great DR. The operating room prior to surgery was like a spa experience!

And then...

In the recovery area from surgery...things started to go wrong...I woke up in screaming pain...they say I said to only give me 1/2 the amount of diladen (sp?) since I'm super sensitive to meds( which is a good thing that I was able to articulate the information)...it took forever to get the pain medication and all I could remember was this insane pain...who knows how long it really was ...a minute ...an hour? It felt like it lasted forever...I felt trapped in my body...as if I were yelling for someone to help me and no one was coming...very eerie...

...then I remember this awesome young man taking me to my room...I was out of it but in it at the same time...he was so kind and loving and caring...I really should find out his name...my friends were in the room waiting for me and cheering me on...I wasn't really sure what they were going to tell me...I was trying to examine their faces for fear and " oh my Buddha...we're going to have to tell Summer this" but I couldn't get a read....they were very good at keeping the mystery alive...after they told me the good news...as you already know...the good news is relative to the worst news possible...all of the sudden I was grateful to have what I have...isn't that interesting?

And then...

One of my friends saw an open syringe with diladen in it ...on the bed...anyone could have sat on it...they could have given me medicine from a dirty needle...and so on...my friends reported it and it was accidentally blamed on my nurse on the surgery floor...she didn't do it...it was left by the nurse from the OR recovery...another example of the medical staff being overworked and possibly sleep deprived...this is what I noticed before with other hospital experiences... the nurses Kristina and Anne were first shift and were awesome and caring and loving and never once made me feel weird about anything...they saw my trembling and shaking and told me that it's common to shake after narcotics and I would be ok...I responded with " Yes I know...it happens to me every time". The next shift was a nurse...I won't mention her name...she was alone on her shift because other nurses had called in sick...she was also caring and loving and seemed to be on top of things...but when she saw my shaking..it frightened her..she kept telling me to try to relax...when I said I was experiencing pain in my thigh...she said it could be a blood clot and proceeded to tell me I could throw a clot and possibly die or have a stroke and described in detail what she has seen happen to others...she said she was worried that Dr. Bahador hadn't been in yet and she was going to call him to find out not only why I was shaking so much but if I had a blood clot and what to do and why was my face so red??? Up until then ...she labeled me as someone who was having anxiety from the shaking...after she told me about the blood clots...she was right...yet...I still wasn't interested in Zanex or any other mind altering drug...the reason for the shaking was because of the drugs...so let's take another drug to offset the first drugs...so ...here we go again...let's label the patient ...let's medicate the patient...let's help the patient to not feel afraid of having cancer...of having a potential blood clot...for having feelings that are not ok for the Dr's and the nurses...so they can feel better about what their doing...what a F'ING MESS!!! Tell me if there isn't something wrong with this?????

I love my Dr. but he is caught up in this world of overworked and sleep deprivation...I have only compassion and love for him...he can only respond to what he is being told to him...he is only trying to help me from a heart place...

I'm sure the nurses are also doing their best...but the outcome is not healthy...not life affirming...it's draining and it plays mind games with people...you start believing that crap and all that happened were real honest feelings that are appropriate feelings ...and so what if their not???? What if someone just loses it for a short time...do we medicate them? I see this happen to my friends all of the time in their own unique situations...we have to do better...we MUST DO BETTER!

We must teach people to treat us better! We can do this compassionately...kindly...but we must help people to understand...

It's ok to feel the dark...if not ...we wouldn't see it's opposite...we must not be tricked into thinking that the dark is a bad place...it's no different than the light...it's like expanding and contracting energy ....it's all part of nature...we need both to survive...

I start chemo next week sometime and I will visualize as I did before...an elixir of a magic potion given to me and prepared for me by the most talented and gifted alchemist...this potion will enter my body with healing power. I have released this cancer...I no longer need it for my path...I am thankful for all experiences that I can learn and grow from...as...I continue to release this from my body...please visualize this same thing ... for me and for you! Fear can't fit into this visualization...only love...only strength...when I start feeling weak...allow me to experience the pain...allow yourself to feel it and then lets move on..... to the other side...

I already miss you all so much...I can't wait to share yoga with you...I can't wait to share sessions with you ...I can't wait to continue my work in that setting...I can share with you in a different way until that happens...still an important experience!

Since chemo is delayed...it's quite possible that I will work Wednesday on until next Wednesday...perhaps I can see you all one more time until treatment reveals a doable rotation...

Just keep feeling the love!

Namaste,
Summer