GREAT NEWS!!!!!

Yesterday was my check up with Dr. Bahador and I was given great news!!!

The blood marker that shows cancer (that needs to be under 10)...was 8500 one month ago...it is now down to 3200 after only one cycle of chemo!!!  A very good sign...

The biopsies that test for chemo compatibility show about 10 different chemos that can work and I'm on one of them now...so the plan is to continue as I'm doing and just move one step at a time...the only way chemo will stop is if it stops working or if it works so well that I show cancer free...of course you must know the direction I'm focusing on...

I hope to start rotating back into teaching soon...it seems doable to start with the monday night and the thursday night yoga first...then to see how I do and add one morning class on tuesdays...I'm supposed to rest more this time as things are still very serious...I'm just starting to feel like myself...so...another week to feel the chemo side effects and then I can safely add a few more things back in...

Many of you have responded to offer to be interviewed...the reporter will contact only a few people this time ...It's possible that another article will be written for another newspaper and more people can be interviewed...there are so many of you who are close to me in different ways...some of you have known me for years ...more than 25 years and others I have just met and yet ...it feels as if I have also known you for years...so much to share with each other and others...I value all of my relationships and feel such appreciation for all !!! I'm also going to be working on live versions of my book that will be written and to bring to life my blog entries and share on utube...I hope to start this next week...so sharing with those of you who have offered to be interviewed will be used for this too or instead of...we'll stay in touch about it!!!

I continue to realize that when someone you (we) love is sick...the fear of what if ....is present much of the time...it happens to all of us...I can only continue to offer you the challenge of staying present in the moment and going with the good ...bad and ugly for we will never understand the "time" for us...the comedian "Shimmel" (spelling might be off)...had cancer and wrote a book about it and he was recently killed in a car accident ...not from cancer...he used humor to describe cancer ...We could all use a good laugh at the expense of cancer...so much we can learn ...so many different ways to express our love ...our fears...it's all symbolic anyway...

As my experiences become your experiences and so on...we are sometimes going to feel left out...anxious....why hasn't she called me back...why hasn't she let me come over....why hasn't  ....???? I have experienced this many times myself with other friends...We can only go by what we think we feel is happening...if we continue to talk about it ...we can instantly erase those fears and move on with the good that can come out of these seemingly horrible circumstances. I have come to realize how challenging time is for me...it takes me longer to get ready...longer to call or email...I lose time...it vanishes...I can't remember who I have talked to and who I need to talk to ...I think I have emailed or called and it's been weeks...it is not intentional...if I hurt you or have hurt  you ...please forgive me...this chemo is milder than the other chemos I have had so I'm lucky ...however...it's still a heavy drug and I may not be fully aware of my timing...my words ...my style of delivery...ect...I'm doing my very best to stay on track...it's a lot to deal with...


EVEN THOUGH...I talk about being comfortable with uncertainty...I still have my own discomfort that I work with daily...
I'm not working...not sure when and how I can...I have my own fears of how money will appear in time to pay bills for another month...I have just paid September and that's it...I know it will all work out ...it always does...but I have the fears anyway...I have lost my freedom to get up and go ...to do what I do best ...to connect to my dharma ...to my purpose...instead I am faced with the unknown of the path of cancer and it's a daily challenge to stay in the moment and accept...When I'm able to accept this challenge...I connect to my teaching...my sharing through the experience of cancer...this is how these experiences have come to be gifts that most of us don't want to open...not fun...but happening anyway...It's easy to forget the energy it takes for me to just get up and face the day...I'm strong and determined but still need your patience ...and forgiveness....just answering simple questions is too much for me sometimes...it seems like no big deal for most of you but for me...it can be overwhelming...the simplest things...it really helps me if you have read my blog before you meet with me,,,it really helps me when you talk about your life and not about cancer...I will let you know when I need to talk about cancer...otherwise...pretend I don't have cancer and you are talking to me normal...with that said...we all know what is really happening ...so I still need your patience and your support and I want to give that to you as well...

...please don't meet with me and look at me with a sad face or a " you're going to die face and I'm going to miss you face" if you feel you might do that...let's talk on the phone about it first...otherwise...best to communicate from a distance...please don't ask me to call you back when you call...20 other people have asked me to call them back too...then I can't call anyone or I don't remember...I made all of these mistakes with Mary just recently...so I'm learning as I go too...I have learned as the caregiver and I'm learning as the care receiver...not easy...never perfect and always unfolding...so let's be brave together with loving honesty and a lot of patience...and if you can... remind yourself when I make mistakes that you can usually assume my intentions are good...I don't want to cause harm to anyone...I don't want to hurt anyone...I don't want to make any of you feel left out...I would love to visit each of you one on one and for hours...but time doesn't show up for me to offer these visits...

When I was in the hospital this last time...it looked grim...it felt grim...I guess if we perceive the transition time grim...it's not what I really feel most of the time....

MY transition time will ultimately be a celebration of life and our experiences together...but when it's happening or we think it's happening...so much FEAR arises and we all have our own ways of expressing that...I can only encourage you ...my friends....my support team...to stay with me in the present time...what looked like death nearing for me...has not happened yet and now I'm driving and strong and doing well ...just a few weeks ago...a few of my friends were calling hospice for me and ready to move things along...hospice is great and I'm really proud of what they do for the living and the dying...even helping the dying live again and the transition is delayed because the love from hospice is so incredible...so even IF hospice is called to assist me ...it still doesn't mean anything....and then again...who knows...I could die today ....I could die tomorrow...I could die in 6 months and I could die in 30 years or more...

 What gives purpose to my life and to our relationships is to use every moment of living to it's fullest...the way my car feels when I get to drive...the way the ground feels under my feet...depending on if I'm barefoot or feeling the ground from the different shoes I wear....to smell the air as the temperature changes...to feel my fingers touch the keyboard when I'm lucky enough to have the energy to blog....to taste the food I get to eat ...to get to eat ....to look into the eyes of people I meet through out the day...strangers and friends...to feel this human experience even though it's flawed in so many ways...to feel courage....to feel brave...to show emotion that might be difficult...to challenge our beliefs...to challenge our perceptions...to admit I don't know what the F... !!!!! is really going on and yet I only want to live and feel love and show love....even if it's to feel and give tough love...not hallmark love....I think it would be such a waste to just roll over and die or to hurry someone else along so I can get on with my life...I can say these things honestly because I have felt and done these things myself when other friends of mine were dying or living or whatever...we are all so tired from our day to day needs that we just roll over and pull the covers over our ears and push everything else away...the very discomfort that we are all ( me included) trying to run away from or push out of our way are the very experiences that bring color to our lives...texture...life force....it's what stretches us and pulls us up and around and down and back up again....without the discomfort we would live in a homogonized world and and we would all blend in and it would be miserable from the effects of complacency and mediocrity...we need the textures of life...we need the experiences so we learn that even the textures of love with all of the flaws and misunderstandings that come with it ...it so real and wonderful and crazy and scary and great and aweful and worth it if we stay with the trust and the faith that it's all part of nature ...the tao....the flow....the uncertainty...

Thank you for helping me in so many ways ...thank you for teaching me about life...thank you for your love and your honesty...thank you for letting me me honest ...thank you for this experience....