from my meeting with my Doctor today

I confessed my fears today and I shared my innermost heart felt emotions during my appt today...

We had a serious conversation about quality of  life and I'm at the cusp of  weighing what my treatment is doing vs improvement vs pain caused by it...if you look at me..I don't look sick...no one would know...and then he looked at my feet and was horrified by the severity of the toxic reaction I'm having to this chemo...tonight I have to start a series of steroids and my next chemo has been cancelled. It will be determined in a few weeks if I am to continue on with this chemo or any other chemo.

Today was one of the most difficult days of my life emotionally... truly facing what is coming ...even if chemo buys me a few more months or even a year...and then how long will it take once I stop all treatment??? So many unknowns...it could be months...it could be less ...it could be more...no way to know...what are the expected complications as the cancer grows...what are unexpected??? How to stay positive when pain may be around the corner...it's not the pain that hospice can help me with ...it's the pain from the procedures in radiology...if and when I need another tube in my belly or to drain fluid if it should accumulate...the bowel obstruction pain that we all know about from previous blog entries...why can't I just pass without all of that worry??? It's easy to suggest not to worry until you get there but it's not so easy once you have been on this other side of it...the pain is more than real...it's beyond words ....

Trying to continue to navigate the finances and to just keep asking...is there anyone out there who can offer me ongoing help? Please email me for my address ... the innerhouse@gmail.com

I have filed for certain disability programs and it could take months to even get anything ...if at all...

I just have to open my heart and keep asking....I don't know how to be here with the emotions that I feel ...and yet...I don't get to run away...I just keep wanting to give love and feel love...

My Doctor and I held each other crying...I continue to cry...I have the tools to not run away and yet....all I can do is cry...grieving for my life...grieving for wanting to stay ...grieving for all of the other woman who have what I have and whom have passed and who have had pain...

I guess today I just need to cry...

I  love you.