There is so much to share and I don't know where to begin...I'll start from today and try to work my way back...
Friday ...it was determined by hospice that due to the trauma of my arms and the g tube removal that coming off of the pain meds sub Q with ongoing dilaudid being delivered was no longer a viable option...one reason is that the tube was most likely causing the deeper pain and number two...my arms were not holding up to keep the needle in and the inflammation was becoming too much. So to switch to oral medication has now become the preferred medication as long as I can keep things down...even if that were to change I have a pain patch on to offset the pain..
So Friday at 11 am I went off of the pain pump and was given instructions on how to proceed with oral meds...they fully expected me to have intense pain and so therefore did not prepare my next few days for withdrawal symptoms...I had talked about withdrawal concerns numerous times but for some reason they thought the expected pain would negate the worry of that...after 9 hours I didn't have pain but I went into intense withdrawals from dilaudid and with the hospice team and my dr and friends...brought me back up to enough pain meds to slowly bring me back down again...there is so much to the story and not enough energy to explain it in detail...I'm still in the detox phase now ...feeling better than I did...quite a ride...what seems like common sense...what seems so obvious...is not what I'm experiencing with the experts...mysterious and bizzare!
I don't quite know what to say to explain how it feels to be in my body having these experiences...I have decided to dedicate my pain to the young man 13 yr old boy in Yemen who was mutilated and tortured..I'm dedicating my pain for his pain...what he and others like him have had to endure ...as bad as it has been for me...all we have to do is read or listen to the news and we know it can always get worse ...there has to be a compassionate exchange and support for what is happening...the ultimate burning of karma ...the burning of all that is no longer needed ...how can you speak in words what appears so horrific?
As I walk into chemo tomorrow I will honor what is given to me...what experiences are happening to me and around me... perceived for me or against me is not how I can manage...I have to surrender to what is...
Dr. Bahahdor told me that he has never taken a G tube out once it's placed ...especially in my situation...most people are close to passing or they live with it for several years...what the future holds regarding a tube in or out...I do not know..just to come to this place is already a mini miracle...he also said that the level of improvement is extraordinary...I appreciate what he says...I still have to stay in the moment ...every moment changes so quickly...every mistake...every success...it's overwhelming. I know I have made it this far due to the love that is surrounding me...the friends whom spend the night to care for me ....to give me pills every 2 hours...to check on me...to hold space for me here or there...it's all about the amazing energy that is healing me...
I'm limping on my left ankle...inflammation from my feet ...the pain is still uncertain...it's not easy to understand the answers...or even the questions.....I have so much love inside to share ...I can feel myself teaching again...I can feel the possibility of driving my car to teach yoga...I can see I have some more time...
We are waiting to hear about the details of having to move...once that is understood...I will be reaching out to those of you who have so eagerly offered to help me...I will be needing so much help ...more help than ever before...the moment I know what to ask for I will be communicating....For now...
continue to breath through this detox with me...thank you for all that you are so willing to share and do and be and the caring...the depth of caring is merit that will bless you in ways you will never truly grasp....help me with your intentions...not to grasp or cling to what I think I need...help me to surrender with as little fear as possible...what is coming is coming...one step one moment at a time...send love to people who make decisions on my behalf...My current landlords ...breathe in humanity and fairness and all those things that help us do what is good for all...I know goodness is out there...I mostly see it...
Stay with me as I am with you...supporting and loving you all the way!!!!
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